Current location:	Home.
Current mood:	Contemplative
Current music:	| Man Who Sold the World Nirvana|

Really?
So -- no lies. I used to think that when Andrew finally got a girlfriend, I'd be crushed. I used to think that that would be the final nail in the coffin. Like, no hope for us for at least a year or more. His and my original desire to be happy together for years would be ultimately abandoned forever. I assumed I'd be way too depressed to do anything except weep and mourn the complete loss of my first lover. That means call in sick to work, not see Yuki, nothing. Well, it didn't happen like that at all. I found out from him that he has a gurlie in Placerville (about 2 hrs from Napa) because he broke his silent treatment yesterday. I didn't feel sad, hurt, crushed, or much of anything. It was just like, "That's nice. Do you think that means you're going to be over the hating me thing?"

Did I grow up a little bit since then so I'm not jealous? Did I just surpress any feelings for him to protect myself? Am I completely dedicated to my loving relationship with Yukio? Could it be I genuinely don't want to be with him? I actually had a great day yesterday, minus the walking to work in the heat. I couldn't keep my mind off him after we talked yesterday. But it wasn't in the way you'd think. I just dwelled on him, the past, the future. There was no anger, jealousy, or plots to steal him away from her. I mainly thought on how much I'd love to see him but how I'll keep that to myself for a while so that he doesn't think I'm annoying. She really didn't matter to me. She's just, eh, a girl. Maybe I have faith that no girl can have his entire heart ever again or maybe I have a feeling it wont work out that great for them because they have such distance in between without that foundation like Yuk and I have and that's what kept me in love with him for 9 months apart. One thing I have learned since he and I dated that nothing is forever. A year doesn't last as long as you'd think. Our time not dating is just a speck on the life I've lived so far. And I've seen that time doesn't keep him and I apart. Even if he and I are enamored with different people now, our inability to have a falling out proves our incredibly deep connection. Sometimes I find myself being a romantic and fantasizing on how that means something.

Anyway, my feelings are rather mixed but for once dwelling on them doesn't make me depressed. I just kind of miss my Yuki because he's in Canada. Hmmmm. More to come?